Memories

Amy's turn

What should have been a sweet memory of my grandmother instead rocked my world today.  Rather than smiling sweetly about something I had long forgotten, I found myself shaken to my core. A great big bawling mess questioning if this was PTSD or depression, or if I was just plain ole losing it.  If you have PTSD or depression you just process things differently, questioning if you deserve that moment of happiness that a long ago memory can bring, or crying for what seems an odd reason, or no reason at all.  I suppose that crying is cathartic for some, but really for me it just drags me down deeper into depression and feelings that I'm not quite sure what to do with.  I also tend to ask questions of David that I'm not sure I really want answered, and when they are answered leave me with hurt feelings and unsure of myself. Also to be honest in these conversations I don't remember a whole lot because I'm so emotionally charged, but on the other hand I can get hyper aware and focus on one thing too much. 

So what do two people with PTSD do when one is set off on a emotional roller coaster? You love them. You're sympathetic without trying to get bogged down in your own emotional baggage. You listen, and if you're anything like David you give sage emotional insight. Then if you're like me you take one little nugget of the sage insight and hold on to it and try to figure out how to apply it to your life.  

So not every memory hits like a ton of bricks but when they do it's okay to take your time processing them. 

Worry and Anxiety

Amy's turn

I tend towards worry and anxiety.  I can worry over anything and everything, and do.  My biggest worry right now is getting to Colorado. Of course, when we do I'll have a whole different set of worries. Anyways,  there is always something to worry about.  Recently I've been learning that worry and anxiety are about not trusting God.  I've also learned in recent years that I'm a incredibly hard headed person, who does not learn the easy or fast way.  So, I'm working on not worrying, and not being anxious. But more importantly I'm working on trusting God and not my own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.  I really wish that I could tell you that I'm doing good in this area or that I'm at least making some head way but I'd be lying. David says I trust God more, but I'm just as anxious. Yes, I did just pole him for his opinion and he did  give me that 'oh crap' look.  I'll continue to plod along and trust God that one day at a time I can worry less than the day before. 

This brings to mind all the worry worts out there, I pray for you. I know and understand your heart. My heart is your heart. 

This is not how God made me. God did not make us to worry or be anxious. Phil. 4:6-7 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I'm not blog worthy tonight

As it happens with so much of our lives we believe that we aren't worthy of things, stuff, love, life, etc and etc and many more etc. The title comes from David but it's a sentiment that could easily be from both of us.  Both of us suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. David from time in the Marine Corps  and I was raped as a teen. We both carry scars of very different, and difficult, battles into our marriage and because of that we carry scars from our marriage. We simply could have let our marriage die, but God didn't let that happen. I like to say God kept us young, stupid, broke, and loving each other enough so divorce wasn't an option but it was a nasty word, that I especially threw around. We may have both been Christians, but we were milk Christians. When we finally decided to grow up and became more mature Christians we knew we had been kept together for many reasons.
Now keep in mind we aren't that mature, there are plenty wiser and better versed. In plain  truth we're just two people loving God to the best of our ability, loving each other, and loving our kids and raising them to love Jesus.