Burdens

I'm at a place where I have this burden, and I cannot put it down or lay it at God's feet as much as I wish I could. It literally resides in my own mind, it is a part of me. I know of Matthew 11:29-30
"for my burden is light," and 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 "My grace is sufficient for you". I have prayed these in recent days. But what do you do when you feel your brain is betraying you, no longer thinking logically and cohesively, and you're on a emotional roller coaster.  That feeling far from being safe and fun, you're not strapped in, tossed to and fro, soon to be thrown out, and crushed to death. Yes I've called my doctor, and no she hasn't gotten back to me yet.

So I've prayed a lot, asked for a lot of prayer, and been prayed over. I've called my doctor.  Now what?! How can I lay this at God's feet, what do I do? I don't believe that bullshit crap about depression is a person being strong for too long, or that's it's just something you bootstrap yourself out of. Most of the time it is a brain chemistry thing, and the rest it's something you've done to your self, most likely by abiding in too many brain altering chemicals. Yes, I've simplified it and probably offended some people, and for that I'm sorry. I happen to fall in my brain just doesn't chemical right so I'm bi-polar.  Being bi-polar seldom, if ever, bothers me now that I'm medicated. I enjoy life and live a normal life.  That was until a recent medicine was introduced, and now six weeks later I'm left wondering what's up, down, left or right. The grown up in me knows that the doctor needs to ween me off this medicine and try something different, but the broken girl, who was undiagnosed for so long, is screaming at God for intervention and help immediately.  I don't enjoy living, feeling, and thinking like my pre-medication days.

So, again I wonder how I lay this burden at His feet? Have I done it just by confessing my fears and my needs and wants? Did I by just do it by being honest with you, and therefore myself and God? I think I might have. I'm still a crying mess, but I feel unburdened.  I'm still on that emotional roller coaster, and my thinking still isn't logical, or cohesive, but I do feel better.

Thanks be to God!

Troubled teenage days

So with everyone posting about McKinney, I can't help but think about my own troubled teenage years. You'd never know it to look at me back then, or even to look at me nowadays. Why is this reminding me of my troubled youth, because not everything is as it always appears. I was often able to get away with things, and out of trouble, because I was cute, petite, privileged, and no one would believe I was capable of reeking havoc. That was until I did.

Sitting at the keyboard I'm in a quandary on how much to share. I don't care who I run off, or who no longer likes me, but what is pertinent to this blog. As I like to say I was a rebel without a clue, and I had/have issues like tissues, they just keep popping up. I was in trouble a lot with my parents, one time I was dumped into a children's home because my parents had no idea what to do with me, and didn't want to deal with me. So, I did what was my number one offensive move, runaway. This time around it was me and several others. We put the night shift caregiver, who was a woman, in the solitary room, and locked her in.  I didn't know how bad it had gotten because I wasn't there, but several of the boys had beaten her up. We stole the car that belonged to the children's home, and what cash there was in the office. Our big plan was to run to Mexico and grow pot. We did get caught before we ever made it close to the border. As I was 16 at the time I was charged as an adult. I was lucky, I served 53 days in jail, and got two years adjudicated probation. The judge who gave me my sentence didn't think I would turn myself around and be able to do the two years. But I was scared shitless, and had no plans of returning to jail or going to the penitentiary. By the grace of God, I was given yet another chance, and developed a deep, abiding, and loving relationship with God.

I did turn my life around. I went to college, for a year, where I met David. I got pregnant and we got married. I'm no longer troubled, I still have issues like tissues, and I'm still a bit of a rebel, see the tattoos. Unfortunately, not everyone has a redeeming story like mine. So, what does this have to do with McKinney, in my opinion some of these teens are going to end up in the system if they aren't already. They still have a chance, everyone does, and they don't deserve to be treated sub-human. I never was, and don't believe anyone should be. As to the cop, I don't know, it seems excessive to me and I hope that justice is done.

Put your big person undies on

 To give you some background, David and I both suffer from PTSD, depression, and anxiety. We also have a daughter who suffers from depression and anxiety. And to round things out we have two sons who fall in the autism spectrum, both highly functioning. Needless to say, we're a little bit quirky but we have a ton of love for each other and for others.

Tomorrow is a big day for us and one we have been looking forward to it as well. It's Panther Fest and Slide the City is coming to town. We've scored unlimited rides on the slide, yippee! Today I stood in line for an hour and a half to get our tickets and goodie bag, this was suppose to be the fast track. No biggie.  Side track here.... I tend to notice that I'm exhibiting physical signs of having a anxiety attack, rather than being mentally aware of a change in my mental status. So I'm having anxiety as I'm preparing for tomorrow and making sure everything is ready to go. Then David starts having anxiety about tomorrow and not sure if he wants to go. He thinks that his may be due to do with how he expected to be working in Colorado by this time. Did I mention I'm also having a migraine?! So this is not a real fun situation. Thankfully we aren't fighting!

So, I love David, a lot. And if you know us personally you know I put up with a lot, and well he puts up with a lot more. There isn't much I wouldn't do for my husband or children and close and dear friends, same goes with our family.  In general I do tend towards snarky and sarcastic, but under that I'm a tub of goo. I give great advice, and also some not so great advice. Then, today I gave harsh advice that benefited me. So today's advice to David was harsh, and not as loving wife but not totally out of character for me. It totally was meant to benefit me, and only me. I really don't want to be there by myself with nobody to watch our stuff plus what if Steven begins to have a melt down. I just wanted my better half there with me just in case. See, the advice is benefiting only me. As much as I love David I wasn't going to let him get out of going to the Panther Fest or slide with me and the boys. My advice for him dealing with his anxiety about tomorrow was "Put on your big boy undies".  He gave me this look like, "you wouldn't expect me to tell you to put on you big girl undies". Yes, I was being hypocritical and really do want to be treated like I'm special, a queen, and fragile. I should have had more compassion and been more loving. I also teared up and acknowledged that I was being hypocritical.  But I'm not fragile, but I am special and a queen in my Father's eyes, and David's too. I can do better and people don't need to walk on egg shells around me. So my harsh advice to myself is...."Put on my big girl undies, even if they are Underoos."

My point of View

As I begin to write this post it has no title because I can't think of anything to call it. But I'll come right out and tell you what sparked this post is Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner.  Yes, I'm jumping on the bandwagon, so to speak, but not really. This is more of where I see myself in the great debate of the LGTB and the Right Wing conservatives. I know gay people, and even love some gay people. A little disclaimer here if I offend any one with my terms, I'm sorry I'm not meaning too I'm just not all the politically correct or with it. I'm also a Bible believing Christian, you might even call me evangelical.  Gay marriage is coming, and in truth it doesn't really bother me. It's not going to affect my marriage. So here's my little plug.... in this great debate I do see freedom of speech being eroded, and that concerns me a great deal, as I love to tell people how great Jesus is, and will continue to do so. Just think of me as that nut. Forgive my wandering, back to the topic.  I have really become convinced that in my personal journey with Christ that I need to be more loving towards everyone, not just the LGTB community. Try as I might I don't see a reason to distance myself from loving people just because I disagree with something they are doing, or have espoused. If that's a reason then I'd be headed to divorce court with David and have disowned my children by now, Lord knows I'd do it just for them annoying  the snot out of me.  Some days I think I have this loving people thing down, but then I have a day like yesterday in which I have a bad mama moment, and know I don't have it down.  So, I'll keep praying that tomorrow I can love better and deeper than I did today.

How do you solve a problem like Amy

Can I be honest with you? I hope that I can be. As a mother, I lost it tonight. Admittedly, I was in a very selfish place, I was playing Trivia Crack (which is very addicting), and watching a horror movie on Netflix. So, Steven is muttering something from the bathroom which I'm not getting because my attention is elsewhere. Steven is a very high functioning autistic boy of 14, he's smart, loving, funny, and a great guy to be around. BUT, there are days when even I can't take it anymore. It doesn't mean I don't love him, or don't understand him, but at that moment he needs to take a final step growing up in an area. Tonight's little escapade was the cat's in the bathroom while he is showering, he doesn't like it, and is always calling for us to get them out for him. I remind you that he is 14, and that he is high functioning autistic. Well, tonight I lost it, and I remind you that I was in my selfish zone, when I went  into said bathroom, Harley, the offending cat, was doing nothing. I yelled that "this is it, that you need to get over it, it's just the freaking cats. Deal with it." I know, totally unnecessary, and not good mama stuff at all. Do I feel bad? Hell yeah. Did I apologize to Steven? Yes, and he did accept my apology, and he forgave me. Is this the only time I've been a bad parent? No! And will it happen again, I'm sure it will, but I do hope and pray that it won't. I'm not a perfect parent, or Christian, or wife, or anything else, but I try to the best I can, and I do stumble. Thank God for His Grace and Love and most of all second, third, fourth, and etc. chances.